When my son was diagnosed with autism, my world came crashing down. I already knew something was wrong, but suspecting and actually hearing it are two different things. I'm not going to lie. There's been a lot of tears, a bit of anger, and some guilt. Despite all that, there has also been a lot of joy. I've also experienced life-changing breakthroughs that have led to personal growth.
It's a difficult journey for sure, but not an impossible one. If you're in a similar situation and are having a hard time coping, let me share some of the things I've learned from raising an autistic child. Hopefully, you'll pick up something useful.
1. It Begins with Acceptance
Acceptance is the first thing any ausome parent should learn as it lays the foundation for understanding and supporting our child's unique needs. It also challenges societal misconceptions and fosters a more inclusive and understanding society for autistic individuals.
Additionally, the sooner you accept your reality, the faster you'll get support for your child. Not the easiest thing to do in the world, I know. After all, autism is a life-long condition. It can be managed, but it isn't something that can ever be cured. No amount of money can make it go away.
Hearing that my son is on the spectrum was a hard pill to swallow. I cried for many nights – I still do. While it's okay to be sad, there's no use wallowing in it. I have a son to raise, so the only thing I can do is accept what is and keep marching forward.
2. Autism Wears Many Different Faces
"I wonder what our son's superpower is."
That's what my husband said when we first learned about our child's condition. He thinks that all autistic people are brilliant. After all, Einstein and other well-known scientists showed signs of autism. Of course, there are also those who think ASD people are non-verbal, bumbling buffoons.
I blame mainstream media for this. Autistic people get stereotyped because of how they're portrayed onscreen. Some indeed exhibit extraordinary gifts, while others will need support for the rest of their lives. But it's not just two opposing ends of the spectrum.
There's a middle ground. Some won't show obvious symptoms. Likewise, some struggle with socialization, while others are quite friendly and affectionate. It's not a one-size-fits-all kind of disability. It's also important to understand that every child is different. If your child is on the spectrum, it's vital that you know their specific needs so you can give them the right support.
3. Patience is a Virtue
Autistic children don't develop at the same speed as neurotypical children. Most take longer to learn things. While other kids are already eating by themselves at age two or three, my son only learned to eat by himself at age five. But even now, at age seven, I still need to help him from time to time.
We couldn't get through putting on socks and shoes without shrieks of frustration – both from him and me. Taking a bath and putting on clothes are just as frustrating. He often ignores me when I tell him something. If he doesn't want to do something, he'll have a meltdown.
It's so easy to lose patience, and I have – many times. But it really doesn't solve anything. Of course, this is easier said than done. I find the 90-second rule to be quite helpful. Whenever I start to get annoyed, pausing for 90 seconds helps calm me down. At least long enough to prevent me from doing or saying something I can never take back.
4. It's Not About Me
Parenting an autistic child taught me that it isn't about me. Rather, it's about understanding and supporting my son's unique journey. It's acknowledging that he has special needs and that all his tantrums weren't just bad behavior I could fix.
Being neurotypical, it's hard for me to understand how my child sees the world. I tried to mold him into somebody he's not. I've been so focused on how I think he should behave and what I want him to be.
I didn't understand that smells, textures, noises, and other sensory inputs affect his senses differently from mine. So now, I've learned to shift my focus from my own expectations to creating an environment that nurtures his growth and development.
5. It's Okay to Love Myself First
Do you know why you should prioritize your safety when saving someone from drowning? It's because if you yourself drown, who will do the saving? You and the one you're rescuing will both die. The same is true with parenting.
Giving away too much of yourself will slowly kill you. I learned that the hard way. It took me a while to realize that setting aside time for myself is okay. If I lose my sanity, what will happen to my son? Who will have the patience to look after him?
Being selfless is a big part of being a parent, especially a mother, but it doesn't help anyone if you lose yourself in the process. How much love can you give if you don't even love yourself? So there should be a healthy balance between self-care and parenting responsibilities.
6. Milestones aren't Arbitrary
I was never really concerned about milestones. I was convinced that my son would take his first step and say his first words when he's ready. I didn't want some list to define his development. But I guess I should have been more alarmed when he kept missing milestone after milestone.
Of course, we need to understand that milestones aren't a rule. They're more like a guideline. Children don't have to hit them all at the exact times listed. We don't always have to stick with the schedule on the chart.
After all, different kids have different timelines. But we need to be able to check if their development is on track. If they consistently miss milestones, then that should already be taken as a red flag.
7. Early Intervention is Important
My son still couldn't speak in sentences by age three. He would just often point to things he wanted or repeat what I said. I raised this issue with our pediatrician, but he only recommended we check YouTube videos to help us encourage my son to speak more. He isn't really a fan of developmental pedias. But I couldn't really blame him since my kid wasn't showing any obvious signs of autism.
I kept telling myself that boys are normally delayed. But by age 6, there still wasn't much improvement. I also noticed something wrong with his behavior. He should already be more independent at that age but he still acts like he's only 3 or 4 years old.
I regret ignoring all the red flags. If I had him assessed earlier, maybe he'd already had more progress. I guess I'll never know. There are no ifs and buts when it comes to a child's development.
That's why early intervention is so important. Addressing developmental delays and challenges early on can significantly reduce the long-term impact of autism on a child's life. It also helps minimize the likelihood of more significant difficulties later in life.
8. Don't Be Too Quick in Judging Other People
I used to judge other parents. Whenever I see kids having a meltdown in public places, I immediately blame their parents. I assume their parenting skills were lacking or that they were not doing enough to discipline their child. Then I'd catch myself thinking I'd never let my child behave the same way.
But firsthand experience has taught me otherwise. I now know that meltdowns are often triggered by sensory overload or communication difficulties inherent to autism rather than parenting deficiencies. The more I learn about my son's condition, the more understanding I become of other parents.
I began to recognize that they – like me – are doing their best to navigate the challenges of raising a child with autism. We may not all be on the same boat, but we're all on the same ocean riding different waves. This realization has changed my perspective on things, replacing judgment with empathy and compassion.
9. It's Okay to Ask for Help
The stress and never-ending worry can easily get to you if you let it. Any autism parent will tell you how easy it is to give up. We often go to bed feeling defeated, but we still wake up invigorated because we know it's gonna be another long day. It's an uphill battle, but we choose to fight every day because we have to stay strong for our children.
Of course, one doesn't develop mental fortitude overnight. It's a step-by-step process. It also helps to have a solid support system at home. Saying that taking care of an autistic child is hard is an understatement. It's both physically and mentally taxing. It requires juggling multiple tasks, appointments, and responsibilities. So you'll need all the help you can get.
Asking for a little help can take some of the load off. Whether it's running errands, providing respite care, or helping with household tasks, a family or friend's assistance can provide valuable relief. If nothing else, they can at least provide emotional support. Taking care of an autistic child can be a lonely undertaking. There's no shame in asking for help now and then.
10. Comparison is the Thief of Joy
I feel jealous whenever I see my friends post their children's achievements on social media because I know my son will probably never bring home academic awards. But comparing him to others is only detrimental to his development. It also undermines his unique abilities. And as one quote says,
"There's no comparison between the sun and the moon. They both shine when it's their time."
My son is the way he is. Sure, it takes him longer to learn things like reading and writing. But when he reads a random sign when we're out and about or whenever he speaks in complete sentences, I feel like crying from happiness. I learned to manage my expectations and celebrate milestones, big or small. I feel thankful that no matter how slow we progress, there's still progress.
As parents of autistic children, we need to understand that every autistic person has their own set of strengths, challenges, and needs. We're only doing them a great disservice by comparing them to others. It may also lead to unrealistic expectations, causing us to overlook their progress and achievements. It can also foster feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt in their minds.
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